Thanksgiving Rant
November 25, 2009 by Waverly Fitzgerald
Filed under WAVERLY'S BLOG
When the barista at my local coffee shop asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving, and I almost snapped at her, I realized that it was time to examine my feelings about Thanksgiving.
I love holidays that are seasonal, whose themes and symbols derive from natural phenomena but have a hard time relating to holidays whose origins are historical or political. Part of my discomfort with Thanksgiving comes from its founding myth, although I can divert myself from the political issues implicit in it, by telling myself it’s just another late (very late) harvest feast, like Michaelmas or Martinmas. I also dislike the bloated feeling that is often the result of excessive eating, and the afternoon slump which follows the consumption of turkey, when conversation dwindles and eyes glaze over. I’m not a big fan of turkey, either.
But perhaps the most thorny issue for me is the definition of family that is an inevitable part of Thanksgiving. There is an Italian saying: “Christmas with your family, Easter with your friends.” In America, Thanksgiving is all about family. But which family?
I have one friend, a grown woman whose son has just left for college. She is worried about telling her parents, who live in the same city she does, that she’s not planning to spend Thanksgiving with them. Instead, she plans to tag along with her son, who is eating dinner at the home of his father, her ex. She is choosing to define herself as mother rather than daughter for the first time in her life.
I stopped going home for Thanksgiving when I moved away from Los Angeles in 1981. I’ve never gone back and I’ve never missed it. Instead my struggle has been to define what is family for myself. And this is where the question: “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” comes in.
If I say I have nothing planned, I am assumed to be an “orphan” and in need of a family to take me in. If I say I am fixing dinner and my questioner has no plans, they will expect to be included. I can’t think of any other occasion when people invite themselves to dinner but at Thanksgiving the table is assumed to be elastic and there’s always room for one more.
Thanks to Lynn Jericho, who sent me a copy of her book Six Ways to Celebrate Christmas and Celebrate You! , I decided to take a more thoughtful rather than a reactive approach to Thanksgiving this year. I looked back at childhood memories of Thanksgiving to see what had shaped my picture of the holiday. The location passed back and forth between my mother and her sister. Uncle Bob and Aunt Jo always provided pumpkin pie and turkeys cut out of cranberry jelly. My mother always made a jello salad and a sweet potato casserole topped with marshmallows. I can remember sitting around waiting for the meal to be served and reading the Reader’s Digest . The food served, while good, was never exquisite and the conversation was designed to please the common denominator (perhaps a good argument for the children’s table). For me, it was the most boring holiday of the year.
After reviewing the roots of my distaste for Thanksgiving, I decided to think about what made a Thanksgiving special. Two very different Thanksgivings stood out in my mind. For a few years, my daughter and I were invited to eat Thanksgiving with my friend and mentor, Helen Farias and her husband James in Clear Lake. It was a long drive for us, about two hours, out of the city on a rainy, grey day, and north through small towns, into the country, until we finally turned off the highway onto a gravel drive and parked outside the tiny ramshackle structure that was their home. It would be just about dark when we arrived and the house would be lit with candles and the windows steamed up. Helen and James loved cooking and the kitchen would be stacked with piles of dirty dishes but the table would be laden with beautiful presentations of the usual fare. Somehow it all tasted better at Helen’s house. Joanna Powell Colbert and her husband would come over bringing food and we would sit around the table, and sip wine, and talk. The talk was always fascinating: about myths and symbols, about costumes and goddesses. My daughter, who was an adolescent, always felt included in the conversation. Someone would play the piano—I can’t remember who–and we’d sing songs. The evening often ended with a rowdy game of dictionary. It was a totally satisfying experience.
The other Thanksgiving I cherished is totally different. One Thanksgiving I was all alone. I can’t imagine where my daughter was. Perhaps she had been invited to eat with a friend’s family or maybe she was visiting her dad in L.A. I decided to cook a special meal just for myself and made my favorite squash stew, a recipe that has to be started the night before, by soaking the ancho chiles. The next day I made a roux of the chiles and various spices, and added tomatoes and butternut squash and mushrooms and zucchini. It takes hours to cook this squash stew. It was all very leisurely, no pressure to get things on the table. I also made cornbread and green beans tossed with Dijon mustard and butter. I probably cooked with a glass of white wine in my hand, because the recipe calls for white wine. I don’t remember dessert. What I do remember is the pleasure of spending all that time making a fabulous meal just for myself. I ate by candlelight and felt well nourished, rather than orphaned.
This year I do have plans for Thanksgiving. They’ve changed four times but I’m looking forward to what I’ve got planned now. I’m going as a “tag-along,” (not quite the same as an orphan) with a friend to his friend’s Thanksgiving. I’ll know a few people there and I’ll bring along my cranberry apple chutney which is easy to make and good to eat. I don’t know if I will have a good time but it will give me another chance to observe what happens when people work to create a celebration that combines good food and good company.
I invite you to examine your thoughts, hopes and dreams for Thanksgiving and post them as comments. Is American Thanksgiving unique? I wonder if Canadian Thanksgiving has a different flavor.
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Your Thanksgiving rant was very interesting and has me thinking I’d like to write about my own Thanksgiving history. It’s going to be different this year so this is good timing. I probably won’t have time to write this essay until after Thanksgiving, but that’s okay because it will probably be a good conclusion.
To summarize, for me, growing up, Thanksgiving was a time to get together with relatives and eat delicious food. I was lucky, it was delicious in my family. After getting married, we alternated families for a while, but then we moved closer to his family and had it mostly with them.
I understand your difficulty with holidays based in historical myth, but I enjoy the time with family and the good food, and find it a good opportunity to discuss history with my kids.
I agree on so many levels, I too, grew up having to choose who’s home I would be going to… would it be Dad’s or Mom’s. Finally when I was able to drive then I would start at Mom’s then I would end up at dad’s. Now that I am married I just stay home… I attempted to particapate with the in-laws at first but that only proved to be chaotic and would get out of control (some people are out of control being in control) Anyway after a very few attempts trying to be flexible, I put my foot down and stayed home and made dinner for my children and husband. The invite was always extended to anyone who wanted to join us but my feelings were not hurt when they didn’t and we had more the merrier with the ones did. So now I plan with my daughters and son, our menu and have fun making our great meal! Stress free, Alcohol free and happy and usually ends in a very competitive game of Dominos. So I am thankful for this time because I know one day my children will all grow up and may move on with their new families and if we can all get together then we will but if not I will be fine, maybe I will join they and sometimes I may not! Like I said before I am flexible! Happy Holidays!
I loved reading this post because I share many of your same thoughts that you have. Actually it was maybe 4 years ago when my husband, children and I hosted 13 visitors for around 10 days at Christmas. It wore me out and by the time Christmas arrived the following year I could barely stand to put up the Christmas tree. Something changed in me about traditional holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are hosting a small meal here for my parents but it isn’t really about our family but it’s about my parents. My mother is sick with cancer and arrived feeling poorly. I could easily avoid these two holidays but it’s at the point in my life where I feel that I must give to my parents. It’s what they need. I’m sort of okay with this because I know that for the rest of the year and the celebrations that I really honor can be spent with just my husband, children and our waldorf school community.
This is my first post of a comment on your Blog! Both of your two treasured Thanksgivings are my dream…one day. I have always wanted to feel that fondness for “home” and “family” in association with this day. My husband and I ususally end up emotioanlly tethered between reality and the dream. Although we have treasured our tender small Thanksgivings with our young son, these past two years we’ve felt obligated through guilt to attend the newly resurrected family Thanksgiving. The golden flame we’ve held onto is that our son truly adores time “with all those cousins.” We do it for him. So far, I have not attained the love for this holiday, as I do for the rich month which begins this Sunday with Advent, onto St Nicholas, onto Lucia, onto Solstice and then Christmas and Yule, each day celebrating the growing light of the Divine in increasing intensity. My Canadian friend says “we celebrate our Thanksgiving but it is entirely different.” I’ll ask her to elaborate. Each year I do find I am more deeply in gratitude and blessed, but this odd day of Thanksgiving is the day I feel my blessings the least. Perhaps it has something to do with the historical energy which surrounded our country leading up to this day?
Finally, your squash stew – any chance of your posting the recipe so we can make it? I am out to find some ancho chiles now and will wing it if need be.
May the light of the Goddess fill you and nourish you.
Dear Waverly, I read your Thanksgiving “rant”. Perhaps I can reframe a bit about Thanksgiving. Replacing the idea of food with the idea of gratitude.
Over the years (I’m an elder) of having a large family and within the confusion, loss and absence of family during those times, I have come to simply think of it (Thanksgiving) and the entire season till Three Kings day as the season of gratitude. Here is what I have sent to friends and family, and this is also on my website (I’m an esoteric astrologer).
In the light of these words of gratitude I send you recognition and gratitude for all your detailed and lovely and researched Virgo gifts (information, books, website, messages, blog, calendars, etc.) that you share with your readers (humanity, seeking) in service and love.
Thanksgiving (season)
Wednesday, Pisces moon
November 25, 2009
Dear Friends and Loved ones, I send a thanksgiving message to you in this email thanking you for friendship, for communication and sharing, for your goodness and heart felt love. Each of us, within our gifts and in our own ways, serves each other and we also turn and serve humanity. Because of these I pray for you each day and daily I am grateful. I send you gifts in return.
Music from David Lowe (Dreamcatcher album, track title Seventh Heaven.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTU6incbVh. Play it over and over. It’s uplifting and joyful.
Also below information on gratitude and a little chinese proverb and below that is a most interesting artifact of gold.
From my website:
“Together, gratitude and goodwill create the thought-form of solution for humanity’s and the world’s problems. Gratitude and goodwill are the pre-requisites for the Reappearance of the Christ. In Ancient Wisdom texts it is written, “being grateful is the hallmark of one who is enlightened.” Gratitude comes from the Soul whose characteristics are Love and Wisdom.
Gratitude is scientifically and occultly a releasing agent. Gratitude, which is also a service to others, is deeply scientific in nature, it releases us from the past and lays open for us our future path leading to the new culture and civilization, the new Laws and Principles, the rising light of Aquarian, the Age of Friendship and Equality. The Hierarchy lays much emphasis upon gratitude. Let’s be grateful this year together.”
A Chinese proverb states “
“When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the one who planted them.” In a poem stating what he is giving thanks for, Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “For each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness sends.” I love you. Risa/Judith
artifact: Blind-folded Fortune on the turning wheel, relief at a house in the centre of Brussels
I’ve struggled with Thanksgiving myself. Finally a few years ago I wrote what I felt about it and how I aimed to change it for myself and hopefully the people who read it on Witchvox. I’ve renamed it Integral Gaiamas and it lasts from the day before Thanksgiving to the Sunday following. The day before Thanksgiving is when I prepare myself for Thanksgiving itself. Its a day of gluttony that kicks of a season of gluttony in the USA. I don’t want to participate in this aspect of the holiday so its a time to rededicate myself to my Path and to caring for Gaia with good stewardship in whatever capacity I’m capable of the following year. On the holiday itself, I attempt to begin good stewardship by deciding the day before not to over-indulge the next day. I decide what I’ll eat. Because I’m an emotional eater and an introvert it’s really difficult not to over eat at Thanksgiving. So this is a challenge every year. Here’s a link to the article from Witchvox http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usut&c=words&id=10315
Waverly,
First let me say that I very much enjoy your writings and your publications are a ministry to my soul, even though we have very different views at the root of our shared love of ritual, festivals and seasons.
Thanksgiving is not for me a time for family, although predominately I have spent thanksgiving with family of some sort, even if not related by blood. But the meaning behind thanksgiving is what is important to me and I believe important to our society. Giving thanks.
We live in a world that is so selfish, so greedy and so oblivious that we spend most of our lives not appreciating what we have been given.
One of the things the Pilgrims did was to keep “Providence journals” — in other words journals which helped them to see the hand of providence in everything. One of their core beliefs was that in the overall picture of life God worked always for good. We might not see it at the moment or for a time, but eventually, “in everything God works for good.”
This inspired in me my own form of appreciation to look at all in my own life for what is good and to be thankful. No matter how bad things are in this country we are blessed — often times life is difficult, more often than not — death, disease, job loss, loss of property, loss of relationships, injustice surround each of us — but still there are the things which are gifts: a website like yours that helps bring peace to the soul, a car which barely runs but still gets us across town, a child who brings a violet on a spring day, childbirth and its result, even a death can bring the gift of renewal for those left behind.
So for me, Thanksgiving is about giving thanks, to someone or something outside ourselves, for the gifts we have received. God, god, goddess, universe — giving thanks and perhaps to “family” too, however that may be defined.
This year my household will gather together and apart from the outside world for thanksgiving. We will feast and we will talk and a part of that talk will be what we are thankful for (at this time we are not thankful for extended family *wink*) — each other. We will also give thanks for the life of my mother who died 2 months ago and all that she taught us, both good and bad.
My daughter said the other day, Thanksgiving is important, “it moves us out of ourselves before the rush of the give-me season”. She said this when she noticed how in most stores the displays move from Halloween directly to Christmas. She wanted to know, when in all that do people stop to give thanks for what they all ready have?
I know this comment is long, it has been written in a rush, but it has been written as a thank you, thanks to you for making me reflect, pause and enjoy the seasons of the year and of my life.
LJ Lee
I struggle to enjoy the winter holidays. Maybe part of the difficulty is the season–I’d rather just sleep all day–but I think in my case it’s how compulsory these rituals have become, with nonproductive guilt trips as the enforcement mechanism. There are so many aspects of holiday celebrations which seem counter to common sense.
Thanksgiving has morphed over the years for me from being an enjoyable time with family to traveling to others’ families – sometimes enjoyable, oftentimes not so much – and now that my “big girl pants” are firmly in place, it is whatever I decide it is supposed to be. Most Thanksgivings now are time for giving thanks for the good in my life, making donations to charities, and enjoying a small meal with a walk in the woods afterward. I make no apologies or excuses to anyone for the way I choose to spend it.
I find that it’s my personal expectation of a holiday has the greatest impact on how I resonate emotionally with it. The celebration of any “holiday” (including birthdays), while completely optional, gives me time for pause and punctuate the otherwise fast-moving time line called “Life.”
Wow! I was a little reluctant to post something that seemed so negative but I’m glad I did, because I have learned a great deal from your comments. I especially appreciated hearing about the different ways you find joy and meaning in the holiday.
I have tried, in the past, to emphasize the “thankful” aspect of the holiday but found it a bit artificial. So it was great to see how some of you have taken this farther. I loved the concept of “Providence journals” and want to adopt it. I also appreciated the new perspectives on gratitude. I like the emphasis on honoring the plants, animals and earth that gives us sustenance.
For those of you who are grumpy in winter, I concur. It’s so odd to live in a culture that expects us to be out most outgoing and active when all of nature seems to be saying “Go to sleep!” Or at least, “curl up in front of the fire and read a good book.”
Carey, I could not find the exact recipe online (the recipe is at home in an old magazine and I’m at work) but I did find something close at http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Squash-and-Black-Bean-Stew-With-Tomatoes-and-Green-Beans-102389
My recipe started with a similar mixture of onions, spices and olive oil. Two ancho chiles were soaked overnight and pureed in a blender and added (with the tomatoes?). My recipe also had mushrooms added at the very end (because you don’t want to cook them too much). I love their smooth, nutty flavor along with the other flavors.
I am thankful to have such thoughtful readers.
I find the “thankfulness” aspect of the holiday really artificial myself.
As for nature saying, “Go to sleep!”… I fixed that into my seasonal rituals as well. From sundown on November 1 through sunrise on December 21st I celebrate The Dreaming.
Science has discovered that the universe went through what is called the cosmic Dark Ages. After an initial burst of energy created from the Great Florescence of Being (i.e. Big Bang) energy runs out and the universe rests. During this rest period gravity pulls matter back together until it heats up and bursts into the first stars (what I celebrate at sunrise on December 21st as the birth of the Great Grandmothers of Light and Dark).
As I participate in The Dreaming with the Universe I give myself permission to become as introverted as I need to be, not participating in social events that I find draining and unfestive. I’m lucky in that I don’t have any kids or a spouse to get in the way; even so if a family treated the time as a religious renewal it could be done with parties and familial obligations pared down to a bare minimum without regrets.
Thank you Waverly for the recipe guidance. I couldn’t find whole ancho chiles – east coast. I did find ancho chili flakes. So- I’m off to try it.
I was speaking with two of my neighbors today post commenting and after reading your “rant” we were discussing Thanksgiving. One gentleman who is a music teacher and college professor, told me something which I did not know and will research for accuracy. He said it was actually Abraham Lincoln who got the whole “Thanksgiving day” holiday going in his speech which asked everyone to look around them/us in all the destruction and catastrophe for those things for which we can be grateful. Interesting, because another neighbor and I were discussing how what we should really be doing to celebrate our blessings is not go to the store, just open the refrigerator, create a meal with that, turn off the lights light candles, hold hands, and bless our meal and eachother.
I am so thankful Waverly to you and the other readers for the chance to read, commune and meditate on the subject of gratitude today. My day is so much richer for it.
Thanksgiving for my family is just another excuse for all of us (4 kids plus significant others plus kids plus in-laws plus whoever else wanted to come) to get together, eat some food, drink some wine, talk, talk, talk, watch the kids play together, hang out, whatever.
Christmas is similar to Thanksgiving except we also watch White Christmas (Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby– don’t forget to sing along and say all the lines!!) and open presents (for the adults, we draw names and everyone gets a present from someone, and it’s usually a well-thought out gift. Everyone gets presents for the little ones, though).
The year-end holidays have always been about family, but then again, so have all the other ones.
However, and I know this for fact, our family is not like other families. We work together, play together, and have holidays together. We like it that way. My parents have been together for 41 years now.
Yes, it’s overwhelming if you’re not used to it. But we try our best to make new-comers feel welcome so they become old-comers!
I TOTALLY know what you mean about being a Thanksgiving “orphan”. My family and my husband’s family both live states away in opposite directions, and there is no way we would go out there just for the weekend.
I’ve been accosted by cashiers at the store, my sister-in-law, and complete strangers.
This year- about a month ago- a friend of my hubby’s invited us to his family’s shindig, saying we’d just come along with them, consume, and that’d be it. Yesterday he tells my husband that his people want us to bring a dish. First of all, I can barely cook. Second of all, to spring this on me on such short notice is crazy! I stayed up late last night looking for recipes. We called him today to ask if there would be any cooking space at his place or the place we’re all headed, so that the food wouldn’t get cold or old. The answers were no, and we called to cancel but the guy won’t take no for an answer. Sheesh!
Glad to know I’m not the only one who has a Painsgiving.
I love Thanksgiving. Especially if I am the one cooking it. It is the start of the Holiday season for me, and I find great satisfaction in cooking a traditional Thanksgiving meal of Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, brussel sprouts and my cranberry sauce and rolls. I love especially the years when my older daughter can make it. She couldn’t this year. Her husband is a Marine in Afghanistan, she is at home in Yuma AZ with her son, and preggers with another and it is a high risk pregnancy. She just didnt feel like traveling yet. So I had Thanksgiving with my husband and younger daughter who doesnt really understand it. She has Down Syndrome and Autism and for it its just more food and the interesting cartoon balloons and marching bands on the parade. But to me, its cooking, which I love for people and kicking back watching the parade, the dog show and later a good book and really enjoying that my husband has an entire day off, even though work keeps texting him. Arghhh. Its a soul satisfying experience if I can drag an orphan in..I couldnt find one this year amongst my friends. I dont think of it in the terms of the political or the old story we were taught in school. I just think of it in terms of looking back over the last year and taking stock, honor those who passed, be grateful that Im still here and grateful for the wonderful things I do have. And hope for the things that still elude me.
this year was the first year that my husband and i celebrated thanksgiving with the family. the last time — in 2003 — was kinda a fiasco. we stopped going after that because of the dinner but also because he was working at jobs that required him to work until almost midnight the day before thanksgiving and then he had to get up at 5 am the day after thanksgiving to work again until almost midnight, and maybe even on saturday.
when i was growing up — thanksgiving dinners were VERY stressful. one cousin and her husband would not show up for dinner until they both were ‘three sheets to the wind.’ they would stagger up the one step of my aunt’s house, practically cracking their heads on the door frame, then would have to be helped into the house.
at dinner the wine, the wine glasses and then the cutlery flowed across the table. all in all, NOT a very cheerful time.
after i got a car, i would show up 10 minutes before dinner started and leave almost immediately after dinner was done — just to avoid all the unpleasantness caused by this particular cousin. the husband just let her get away with it!
this year we had a great time. it was just 6 of us. the two ‘boys’ [they are actually in their 20's but act like undisciplined 2 year olds] weren’t there. apparently they have not been invited back for dinner for several years now. guess we weren’t the only ones upset by their behaviour in 2003. :::::smile:::::
Waverly, as always, I loved reading your newsletter, but I have to admit, I was a bit surprised and maybe a bit saddened at your reaction to Thanksgiving! It is my favorite holiday as it combines good food, beautiful weather, and people I love without all the “hoopla” of gift-giving and commercialism crap that bombards us around this time of year…
I do wonder if maybe the reason why you aren’t as enamoured with this holiday is because of the timing in the US? I was just thinking this year, as I was listening to all the hype on the news about “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” that Thanksgiving in the US has turned into a meaningless “blip” that happens just before Christmas, where a lot of the focus ends up being on shopping and stressing out over gift-buying! No wonder it can feel more draining than satisfying, especially in the dreariest time of the year.
In Canada, because it’s in early October, the Autumn season is absolutely brilliant. When I was younger, we used to take a walk in the woods as a family, full of golden sunshine, firey leaves and spicy air. The air is crisp enough to warrant some good, hearty food after being outside, but it’s still warm enough that you enjoy yourself (unlike November, which is actually my least favorite month out of the year for its dismal weather and the pressure of Christmas approaching). Now that we’re older, my husband and I often host it at our home, inviting members of my and his families to join us for an afternoon of laughter, drinks, good food and music. I love those times together. To prepare, I always still take my walk in the woods, or along one of the bike paths near our home, to collect leaves for the centre piece on the table, and then I take my time cooking the food throughout the day, and visiting with the people I love most in the world. This past year was probably my best, as I managed to handle the chaos of my loud, boisterous family crowding into my kitchen, picking at desserts and horsing around. In previous years, it hasn’t been as relaxed..
Anyways, after a huge, traditional meal, followed by desserts of pumpkin pie made by my Mom and walnut pie (the only thing my brother cooks but he does it so well), we enjoy a coffee together and then slowly guests start to trundle back to their homes at around 7:00. That’s the perfect time to throw the plates in the dishwasher and pop in a movie and zone out on our turkey buzz.
I was thinking that, since you have embraced the idea of shifting seasons, starting to celebrate the harvest season in August, when it’s still swelteringly hot up here, maybe you’d like to try doing a Thanksgiving meal in October? Make it a potluck (that’s what we do), and take time while the turkey cooks (or whatever you decide to eat – oddly enough, I know of quite a few families that for some reason order Chinese on that day), to go outside and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine before eating too much and then putting your feet up and enjoying a quiet evening after all the guests have gone..
Either way, I wish you all the best in the holiday season – I’m hoping my husband has ordered me a copy of your book “Slow Time”, but if he forgets, I’ll order it myself, I’ve wanted a copy since it came out!
Take care,
Shelley
Being Canadian, I have never quite understood the American Thanksgiving and have always felt sorry for Americans that it is soo close to Christmas…..we have Thanksgiving up here, but it is in October and is about giving thanks for the bounty of the autumn harvest that will keep us fed….okay I just read the comment above mine and was about to say….maybe the timing of American Thanksgiving is all wrong?